LESSONS FROM THE DON: 4.29.2009

4.29.2009

TODAY’S LESSON FROM THE DON:

“Wear a mask? Fuck the swine flu.”

Tell ‘em like it is, Don.

HERB, HERB, HERB: HERB IS THE WORD

OH MY GOD IS HE TALKING ABOUT MARIJUANA? WEED? POT? GANJA? THAT MARY JANE GIRL?

Um, yes, actually I am. I’m only discussing it because it’s been such a hot debate that it’s literally smoking (pun intended). 14 states in the union have legalized medical marijuana. Maybe they see a good reason to legalize a drug that could reap in a few billion dollars of revenue for the government each year. 

Regarding that, I thought I’d help out some of those states out with some slogans they could use in case they ever decide (or get forced) to legalize Ms. Mary Jane.

“Ever been to the desert….on weed?”

“Wake up to a friendly joint and a glass of Florida orange juice!”

“Toke up freely deep in the heart of Texas.”

“We’ve got wine and cheese and now weed and cheese.”

“Growing blue weed on blue hills.”

“Legalizing weed down in the bayou.”

“Now you can smoke a bowl with Elvis!”

“Never in a million years.”

$MONEY$, HONEYS & PLAYBOY BUNNIES

 

Okay, back to work on this one because it’s been too long and I’ve got people asking why. Decided to pit some naturals against one another. That means natural breasts, something it seems we as a society have gotten away from a little too much. Fake is out, natural is in. At least in my world it is and that’s all that really matters.

$$$MONEY$$$ SALMA HAYEK

Salma seems like such a sweet girl, doesn’t she? Remember when she first appeared in American cinema with Antonio Banderas in Desperado? Smooooooooookin’! Strangely, she almost looks better today then she did back then but we’re talking apples and oranges here. Naturally, Salma, yours are something to be reckoned with.

PORN HONEY – CHRISTY CANYON

Christy Canyon is one of those porn stars that’s been in the game for years. You mention her name out loud on the streets and chances are someone knows it, maybe more than just a few people too. Christy also broke into the industry back when producers wanted their porn queens to be stacked naturally, possibly a 1980′s trend of some sort. If you’d like more information about Canyon, find her porn autobiography, Lights, Camera, Sex!, a read I’m sure will be interesting if not entertaining.

PLAYBOY BUNNY-GIANNA MAZZON

Gianna’s a pretty, all natural Playmate from San Diego, CA. Apparently, the dudes really dig her boobies as they are not only 100% organic, but rather large 34D sized breasts. Personally, I’m not big into Playmates as it’s tough to tell how pretty they really are due to the make-up and air brushing along with the fact that many of these gorgeous women take some of their gorgeous out by replacing their naturals with fakes. Stupid.

AND THE WINNER IS…Very tough since the three women here sort of feel like they’re on an equal plane. However, while Gianna Mazzon’s 34D’s are an eye-popper and Christy Canyon’s enormous jugs are as well, this victory goes to Salma Hayek who is beautiful, sweet and has a rack that’s the envy of many women in the world, including other female celebrities.

SALMA HAYEK WINS

WHAT DOES POP CULTURE MEAN TO YOU?

It just occurred to me that everyone has something to say about pop culture. So you know what: I want to hear about it. I want to hear it all. Just rip into it. Drop a comment. Here’s a few pics of what it means to yours truly.

*Sold out really bad.

*Get the fuck outta here with these three douches. 

*Mainstream America’s wet dream.

SPORTS IS SPORTS, OF COURSE, OF COURSE

*Sports is sports, of course, of course!

 

I wonder sometimes about sports. I wonder how many athletes don’t really want to play for money but since they’re being paid so much they might as well play. Sad, ain’t it? Well, that’s because they’re divas nowadays. At least, the big stars are.

So the question becomes: Are they athletes or are they divas?

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Athlete or Diva? DIVA!

Athlete or Diva? DIVA!

Athlete or Diva? DIVA!

Athlete or Diva? DIVA!

Athlete or…TRANNY??!!

WWW.STOPPOPCULTURE.COM

 

Popular Culture (uncountable)

1. The prevailing vernacular culture in any given society, including art, cooking, clothing, entertainment, mass media, music and style.

Stop Pop Culture - is everything mainstream is not.

That Blackberry you have is pop culture. So is American Idol and MTV. Gucci, Brangelina, Britney Spears, Hummer, Google, Twitter, Hannah Montana, and Wii. 

They’re the sizzle, not the steak. They’re the flash, not the substance. They’re the big, silicon boobs and not the beautiful, natural breasts of a woman. 

STOP POP CULTURE is none of this. We’re fighting against pop culture. We’re fighting for the outcasts, the ones left out by the “popular crowd”. 

STOP POP CULTURE IS NOT NORMAL

We don’t want to be normal. We want to be different. We want to be unique. Stop Pop Culture is the name and stopping pop culture is our game. 

www.stoppopculture.com 

THE NBA PLAYOFFS – ROUND 1…FIGHT!

*I am happy and sad to say this is my last post on wordpress….HOWEVER, this page is just going to be turned into my personal website so it will be the same thing but now with a real web address! Hooray for me, right? If you don’t care, keep it to yourself, dickhead.

In the meantime, I figured my final post on wordpress would be my predictions for the NBA playoffs, the first round anyways. I’ll get to the other rounds on my new website. Also, don’t forget to visit me at the new site so you can say what’s up and maybe talk a little shit to me.

www.stoppopculture.com

 

DETROIT PISTONS VS CLEVELAND CAVALIERS

Best record in the NBA hosts the worst team to make the playoffs (if records matter to you) starting this Saturday at noon. Most people are looking at this series as a quick cake walk for Lebron James and the Lebroneers but you heard from me that it will be a tougher series than the experts are predicting. 

Cavs in 6

CHICAGO BULLS VS BOSTON CELTICS

Well, at least the Celtics can have some fun for one round, right? After they finish off the Bulls (they hope), Boston will move along to the second round where they could possibly be getting their asses kicked by Orlando. With Kevin Garnett, the Celts are in serious trouble. So much trouble that they’ll be going from a championship banner last year to a second round exit this year. Oh, well. Better luck next year…or whenever KG is healthy again…if that even happens again.

Celts in 6

PHILIDELPHIA 76ers VS ORLANDO MAGIC

This is the one cake walk I can see in the first round of the Eastern Conference. Who in hell does Philly have that will even somewhat contain Dwight Howard? Samuel Dalembert? I don’t think so, folks. If you’re for a Magic fan, you can probably find better things to do until the next round. If you’re a Sixers fan, hope Dwight Howard gets injured or suddenly gets abducted by aliens. Basically, you’re screwed.

Magic in 5

MIAMI HEAT VS ATLANTA HAWKS

And now, Dwayne Wade takes his one man show on the road against the Atlanta Hawks! Can one superstar beat a solid team with more than five super athletes? Not a chance but it’ll be damn fun watching him try, won’t it? I really can’t see the Heat having enough to stop Joe Johnson, Josh Smith, Al Horford and others when Flash is the only thing with any kind of flash on the Heat. 

Hawks in 5

UTAH JAZZ VS LOS ANGELES LAKERS

There are those that think the Jazz can call upon their invincible selves of last year to try to take on the Lakers like they did in the second round of last year’s playoffs, a series where they gave the Lakers as much as they could handle. But this year, it ain’t the same Jazz. All That Jazz will leaving the first round quite quickly.

Lakers in 4

NEW ORLEANS HORNETS VS DENVER NUGGETS

Remember last year when everyone seemed scared shitless that the Hornets were the new team to beat in the Western Conference and would be battling it out with the Lakers this year for best record in the conference? What happened to all the experts and Chris Paul and David West and Tyson Chandler and the wonderful, sensational New Orleans Hornets? Reality kicked them in the ass, that’s what happened. It’s so bad that the Hornets get their worst possible playoff match up in the Nuggets, a team that seems to have their number. Part of that is because Chauncey Billups is an enormous point guard that gives Paul fits. See you next year, Hornets.

Nuggets in 6

DALLAS MAVERICKS VS SAN ANTONIO SPURS

Checked out espn.com and most of their experts actually have Dallas winning the series. All because of the absence of Manu “Haven’t Played in Forever” Ginobili? That’s ridiculous. The Mavs do historically give the Spurs problems because of Dirk Nowitzski however, we’re still talking San Antonio here. Don’t they have that Tim Duncan guy? And Tony Parker? That’s what I thought. Espn.com experts are also wrong a lot of the time. Get off the crack, gentlemen. It’s bad for your health.

Spurs in 6

HOUSTON ROCKETS VS PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS

By the way, speaking of Espn.com experts, my favorite is probably John Hollinger because he’s so self-obsessed with his retarded PER Diem rankings and whatnot that he fails to take logistics and human error into consideration. So, usually, if I have trouble figuring out who to take in a game or series, I check out what Hollinger writes and go the other direction. Once again, the espn.com experts are usually wrong. In regards to this series, Hollinger seems to be in love with the Blazers (in a funny kind of gay way, if you know what I mean) and that only means I’m taking the Rockets.

Rockets in 6

So long and see you all at www.stoppopculture.com in a few days!

NBA GAME OF THE WEEK: BOSTON @ CLEVELAND

BOSTON @ CLEVELAND (ABC Sun. 1230pm EST Quicken Loans Arena)

BREAKING IT DOWN

Cleveland is only a few games away from closing the season with the NBA’s best overall record for the first time in Cavaliers franchise history. They’re being chased hard by the Lakers who seem to be waiting for Cleveland to implode rather than hoping they’re endeavors lead them to the top of the mountain when the season ends. Boston, on the other hand, loses Kevin Garnett for the remainder of the regular season but is playing just fine without him, knowing all too well that if they don’t have the Big Ticket for the playoffs, they’ll have a bigger ticket out of the playoffs. You can always count on a real slug-fest with a lot of hard fouls when these two teams meet.

THE HERO: LEBRON JAMES

When the season is over, King James will be holding his first of many MVP trophies. There is really no competition anymore since Dwayne Wade’s team just isn’t good enough and Kobe’s stats just don’t measure up to Lebron’s this year. Then again, it’s pretty obvious Kobe also doesn’t really care since he seems to take breathers more often than ever before with Pau Gasol or Lamar Odom taking over games instead of him. But everyone is pulling for King James to win that MVP so how can he not be the hero in a game at home against the hated and despised Celtics?

THE VILLAIN: RAJON RONDO

I’m not a big fan of the pesky Rondo, an irritating little insect that can seemingly do just about everything on the court. He’s flirted with many triple doubles this season and has even notched a few on his belt. With KG out, Rondo is a bigger piece of the pie. He doesn’t have a choice. On Sunday, he’ll be up against Mo Williams, another pesky little guard on the Cavaliers. If Rondo locks him down, it’s going to take another Cavs player to help King James because he can’t beat the Celtics alone. Even if it is at home.

THE VETERAN: EDDIE HOUSE

“Who’s house? Run’s house! Who’s house?! Run’s house!” – Run’s House (Run-DMC)

That song should play every time Eddie House drops a three through the bucket in Boston. Eddie’s been around a few years now out of Arizona State and was an undrafted rookie with a sweet shot and no ability to dribble the basketball. Funny how Eddie’s gone all these years in his life without being able to dribble for shit but then again, he can rain threes all day long. But, next time you happen upon a Celtics game (this Sunday in Cleveland’s a good chance to watch!), take a closer look at Mr. House when he dribbles. He looks like a duck with two left feet. But when he drains those treys, it’s his House. 

THE X-FACTOR: ZYDRUNAS ILGAUSKAS

The Big Z, as they call him in Cleveland, has been around a really long time. That big old 7’3 frame hobbles up and down the court like the jolly green giant. A kind man, a calm man but a center who is so quick to defend his teammates that it will shock you. Did you see him go apeshit on Glen “Big Baby” Davis when he fouled Anderson Varejao. Should have seen the look on Davis’ face when Big Z got in his grill, punking him on his own Beantown court. After that, I earned a newfound respect for Big Z that I will remember forever. Without KG the man the middle, Big Z should also punk Kendrick Perkins, a factor that could completely change the outcome of the game.

THE SAGE SAYS…Cleveland has been unstoppable on their home floor, only one loss the entire season and that was to the Los Angeles Lakers. Though the Cavs have already won the east and have home court throughout the Eastern Conference playoffs, they’re not in dire need to win this game but they’ll give a full effort for the purpose of pride. Boston on the other hand probably really wants to win this game to stick it back in Cleveland’s face so that they’ll remember who’s coming to town for the Eastern Conference Finals. 

93-88 Celtics win

STOP SAYING THAT!

ROGER CLEMENS (aka The Rocket, A Giant Lying Prick)

I remember when Roger Clemens was donning a BoSox uniform and mowing 20 batters down in one game back in the 1980′s. I also remember a number of Cy Young awards, a championship with the Yankees and a fastball that was as intimidating as it was difficult to hit.

But I also remember that Clemens was the same as today’s Clemens: arrogant, brash, self-serving and oblivious to the world around him that doesn’t involve him directly. The Rocket earned a rocket out of town in Boston because, I promise you, he was a punk. Sure, he was worth tons of money but migraines every day isn’t what managers and owners need at work.

If you think Clemens was a dominant pitcher engineered on sheer natural talent, you’re wrong, my friends. Very wrong. He’s a big guy with a powerful arm, there’s no denying that. But his intensity made him incredible, an intensity that I believe was completely manufactured. The manufacturer? Steroids!

Roger went a long time before anyone noticed he was sticking needles in his butt. He loved that performance enhancing candy that he was injecting into his selfish, greedy veins. Remember, professional sports is the top of mountain in sports. If you’re in the MLB, you’re one of the best in the world. You and all the rest of the guys employed there. And Roger didn’t like competition in the MLB.

It doesn’t really matter what you think because if you’re going to bring me an argument in his defense I could care less. There is no defense. Not anymore. Believe me, if you watched him pitch his whole career, the steroids allegations are not even close to a surprise. His entire personality and demeanor is completely in line with the symptoms and behaviors of someone using steroids. Besides, if he wasn’t on steroids, do you think he’d say silly shit like this:

“I think he misremembers.” -referring to Andy Pettite

STOP SAYING THAT!

MORE DANGEROUS ANIMALS: BIRDS!

“A-well-a everybody’s heard about the bird
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word” – Surfin’ Bird (The Trashmen)

Next time you here that tune you may wonder about birds. But what about birds? Are any of them even dangerous? I absolutely, positively, beyond the shadow of a doubt, HATE FUCKING BIRDS! Unless it’s eagles or raptors or falcons or any other birds that we call birds of prey. They’re cool. The birds chirping outside of my god damn window at seven in the morning are chumps.

Anyways, some very dangerous birds on our planet you’d rather not encounter.

CASSOWARY (Genus - Casuarius)

Native only to Papua New Guinea and northeastern Australia, the cassowary is a large, flightless bird with an ugly blue head and a big feathery body, almost as if they were giant peacocks without those beautiful, grand feathers. However, unlike NBC’s little mascot, the cassowary is packed with some attitude and some gnarly claws on its feet. Usually shy, the bird will unleash its fury in an instant if it feels threatened and they’ve got the strength to break bones and fatally wound children and dogs with their kicks. OUCH! They’re still super ugly though.

SEA GULL (Family - Laridae)

Another bird I can’t stand since it really makes life at the beach, harbor, pier and docks a nightmare. They swoop down and eat your fish, crap all over the place and make way too much damn noise. They’re also mean, nasty and hostile. Just ask people in Great Britain where they have a bad sea gull problem. Remember that Hitchcock movie, The Birds? Well, obviously he wasn’t bullshitting since he must have known how dangerous those annoying aviators were.

RHEA (Genus - Rhea)

A rhea is basically the South American ostrich since they look very similar, belong to the same group of birds and are both ugly. Really, really ugly. However, they’re both also really, really fast and powerful for a bird. A rhea is about a third of the size of an ostrich but it doesn’t lack punch. They may not be as quick to a bad temper as the ostrich or cassowary but if the rhea does get pissed off, it’s kick packs 800 pounds of force per inch. But it’s still ugly.

OSTRICH (Struthio camelus)

Far and away the most dangerous bird of them all, the ostrich is the also the largest, heaviest and meanest bird in the world. It rules the kingdom of the birds with a heavy hand, no other bird even within 200 pounds and a few feet of the ostrich. What makes the ostrich so frightening is the fact that it not only has an attitude but has a kick so powerful it can kill a hyena! Oh, and it can chase you at 30 mph for over ten miles. Yep, that would certainly suck! Maybe that picture above will scare you off enough not to ever want to be face to face with an ugly old ostrich.